Friday, October 29, 2010
For example, I now have the added pressure of realising that so much of what has gone wrong in my life has been directly as a result of my scrambled brain. So, not only do I have to make up for what I messed up, but I also have to correct my neuro-inheritance; i.e., the way my brain turned out because of my undesirable upbringing.
Then, when I have accomplished that much, I have to set to work correcting my most important relationships: my marriage, and my fatherhood.
I feel dragged out, and beaten down by all of this. I'm sure some of you out there can relate.
Something interesting has come of this for me, however. Specifically, my wife commented to me a couple of weeks ago that "if [I'm] not thoroughly repulsed by the reasons why [my] brain has ended up the way it is, then [I'm] not ready to change."
I'll admit that, at first, I was a little confused by what she said. Why would I need to tread back over old feelings: anger, confusion, depression, etc. just so I could change my brain chemistry. It didn't make sense. However, as she explained more of what she meant, it became abundantly clear that she was right: I have to purposefully determine to reject any and all notions or behaviours that contributed to the reason why my brain has been disordered. Until I do so, I'm not individuating from those occurences (e.g., childhood abuse), and I'm allowing myself the discomfort of keeping company with past shames. Essentially, I'm living a shame-based identity.
Once my wife had explained this more, I felt a strange sense of liberty: it's okay for me to be really angry, to be pissed-off, unremittingly maddened about what contributed to my neurosynaptic misfirings, and deeply disgusted by how that has contributed to some fairly self-destructive patterns and underachievement. It's not even unChristian of me to do so. In fact, it would be entirely unChristian of me to deny myself and wish my condition away on a fanciful prayer or two.
No, no. I have the work ahead of me. And dammit! I'm going to fix the problem and not leave this as another area where I've underachieved and self-destructed.
I love my wife.